My Self-Respect is My Most Prized Possession

I’m Looking for the 1%

**Warning**  I am likely to use the word douche bag at least 82 times in this post.  If you are at all offended by this word you should probably 1. lighten up and 2. quit while you’re ahead and stop reading now.

No, I’m not a gold digger, that’s not the 1% I’m talking about.  But I feel like I must be up front about something that might cause me to be a little biased against getting into a relationship.  I genuinely believe that 99% of single men are douche bags.  Now this isn’t just because I think all men are douche bags, it’s because 99% of the single men I’ve come into contact with are in fact douche bags. 

So perhaps first it might be important to go over the terms, as I see them, of douche baggery.  Guys, pay attention.  Ladies, take notes. 

 

You might be a douche bag if…

you wear Ed Hardy

you wear Rock & Republic jeans.            

you have an ironic mustache.

you listen to bands I’ve never heard of and are condescending about it.

upon first meeting me, you automatically assume I am interested in you.

you take yourself too seriously.

you aren’t up front and honest about the fact that you’re dating someone else.

when you do finally decide to share that you have a girlfriend you make a big production of it.

you try to cheat on your girlfriend with me.

you wear more hair product than I do.

you take more time getting ready than I do.

you don’t like dogs.  I mean, come on, who doesn’t like dogs?

you call your friends “bro”.

when you are talking to a girl you call her “dude”. 

you call average size women fat.

you call curvy women fat.

you use the word fat to refer to any women.

you say things like, “Ah, I know this girl who’s really into me…”

you carry a book around in your back pocket.  Yes, here I am referring to relatively unknown hipster douche.  Yeah, you’ve probably never heard of them.

you think that playing games is fun.  It’s not and it’s not cute.

you think rape, racist, homophobic or sexist jokes are funny.

you think it’s funny or acceptable to call women bitches.

you think it’s funny or acceptable to refer to ANY man as a fag.

you have a tribal tattoo.

Obviously this is by no means of course an exhaustive list.  Ya know, just some stuff I came up with off the top of my head.  Ladies, please feel free to let me know if I’ve missed anything and to use this list as a quick reference guide if you’re on a date with a guy and you’re just not sure if he’s a DB.  Although, in my experience, if you are questioning whether or not he’s a douche, chances are he’s probably is. 

If you’re a dude and you’re reading this and you think, “whoa, she’s totally talking about me”, you’re probably right.  And you’re probably a douche. 

So you might be wondering, “where does one find the 1%?”.  Well, quite frankly I don’t know.  If I did I obviously wouldn’t be writing this blog.  Clearly they’re very elusive.  And clearly I haven’t found any of them or if I have I haven’t been attracted to them, which is another issue for another entry at another time.  And maybe something I need to look at in myself.  

Being Single Isn’t a Handicap

Go to your local bookstore, newsstand or the like and pick up any magazine aimed at women.  Perhaps with the exception of Yoga Today, you are sure to find an article that will tell you either directly or indirectly how to stop being single, how to end the epidemic that is stripping your life of purpose and meaning.  Perhaps it's just me, but I have yet to see the connection between my being single and say my sense of style or my health and fitness, but apparently there is one because Marie Claire is telling me where to meet Mr. Right and Women’s Health lets me write in to ask a man questions about other men.  Ya know, so I can get some insight into this profoundly confusing creature straight from the source.  Obviously the ultimate goal is to end my loneliness and find me a man (nevermind that these articles are fundamentally sexist, they’re heterosexist too).

Sadly, it doesn’t end there.  The idea that being a single women equals being unhappy or lonely or unfulfilled is pervasive in our culture.  When I am asked if I am dating anyone/have a boyfriend the answer is always “no” and the response generally falls into one of two categories: “oh, that’s a shame” or “don’t worry, you’ll find someone”.  Because since I’m single surely I must be trying to stop it.  If I found out I had cancer I’d seek treatment immediately, and clearly being single is just as deadly.  Who cares that I have lived all over the country and abroad, have travelled the world and earned myself a master’s degree in a field that I’m passionate about?  What does it matter that I find my self-worth in things like my intelligence, my sense of humor and my ability to help and support others, instead of my ability to attract a man?  Obviously I must struggle with my single condition and clearly there must be something wrong with me. 

But I’m here to let you in on a little secret: not every single woman is single because she can’t find a man.  Some women are single because they truly want to be single.  Let me say that again, just so I’m sure you got me: SOME WOMEN WANT TO BE SINGLE.  It can be a choice and in no way a result of not being skinny, pretty or feminine enough.  My being single has nothing to do with looking for love in all the wrong places or calling/texting too soon or not knowing enough about sports (frankly, I know plenty about sports).  I’m not a drama queen, I’m not too clingy.  I don’t have daddy issues.  I’m not a prude, I’m not a slut.  I don’t, to my knowledge, have any crazy annoying habits.  I’m not interested in playing games and I don’t know “The Rules”.  I’m not shallow, I’m not looking for a guy that looks like Ryan Gosling (I mean, I am but I’m not really.  I know that’s probably not going to happen).  I don’t have unrealistic expectations, but I’m not willing to settle just for the sake of not being single.

I, however, am fiercely independent, but this is not my manifesto.  This is not some kind of war cry to join together all single women in an attempt to get them all to celebrate their singledom.  It’s OK to not want to be single.  Frankly, I don’t want to be single forever.  This is also not about bashing myself or men, although I might have some constructive criticism for both.  This is about enjoying my independence and exploring the reasons I might be single in a funny and self-appreciating way.* Maybe you’ll enjoy it, maybe you won’t.  Maybe I won’t care either way.**

* I also invite other single women to celebrate their own awesomeness and reason that they might be single that aren’t self-depreciating. 

**Actually, I’m a people-pleaser and I love to make people laugh so I really want you to like it.