I’m Looking for the 1%

**Warning**  I am likely to use the word douche bag at least 82 times in this post.  If you are at all offended by this word you should probably 1. lighten up and 2. quit while you’re ahead and stop reading now.

No, I’m not a gold digger, that’s not the 1% I’m talking about.  But I feel like I must be up front about something that might cause me to be a little biased against getting into a relationship.  I genuinely believe that 99% of single men are douche bags.  Now this isn’t just because I think all men are douche bags, it’s because 99% of the single men I’ve come into contact with are in fact douche bags. 

So perhaps first it might be important to go over the terms, as I see them, of douche baggery.  Guys, pay attention.  Ladies, take notes. 

 

You might be a douche bag if…

you wear Ed Hardy

you wear Rock & Republic jeans.            

you have an ironic mustache.

you listen to bands I’ve never heard of and are condescending about it.

upon first meeting me, you automatically assume I am interested in you.

you take yourself too seriously.

you aren’t up front and honest about the fact that you’re dating someone else.

when you do finally decide to share that you have a girlfriend you make a big production of it.

you try to cheat on your girlfriend with me.

you wear more hair product than I do.

you take more time getting ready than I do.

you don’t like dogs.  I mean, come on, who doesn’t like dogs?

you call your friends “bro”.

when you are talking to a girl you call her “dude”. 

you call average size women fat.

you call curvy women fat.

you use the word fat to refer to any women.

you say things like, “Ah, I know this girl who’s really into me…”

you carry a book around in your back pocket.  Yes, here I am referring to relatively unknown hipster douche.  Yeah, you’ve probably never heard of them.

you think that playing games is fun.  It’s not and it’s not cute.

you think rape, racist, homophobic or sexist jokes are funny.

you think it’s funny or acceptable to call women bitches.

you think it’s funny or acceptable to refer to ANY man as a fag.

you have a tribal tattoo.

Obviously this is by no means of course an exhaustive list.  Ya know, just some stuff I came up with off the top of my head.  Ladies, please feel free to let me know if I’ve missed anything and to use this list as a quick reference guide if you’re on a date with a guy and you’re just not sure if he’s a DB.  Although, in my experience, if you are questioning whether or not he’s a douche, chances are he’s probably is. 

If you’re a dude and you’re reading this and you think, “whoa, she’s totally talking about me”, you’re probably right.  And you’re probably a douche. 

So you might be wondering, “where does one find the 1%?”.  Well, quite frankly I don’t know.  If I did I obviously wouldn’t be writing this blog.  Clearly they’re very elusive.  And clearly I haven’t found any of them or if I have I haven’t been attracted to them, which is another issue for another entry at another time.  And maybe something I need to look at in myself.